So I heard through the franchise grapevine that Denny’s restaurants serve free meals on your birthday. Just as other such hangouts one would want to spend during their lunch break, on their birthday, like Kelly O’ Brian’s, and The Old Spaghetti Factory (I think). Since I celebrated my birth on the eve the true date, I was hung-over. And at work. And in dire need of grease and starch to remedy my sweating, aching, sleep deprived body.

Denny’s was only ten blocks away and I had a scooter. So I said, “Let’s do this shit.” I called ahead to see if only children apply to this special offer. Turns out, adults are also game.

Upon arriving during the Victoria Day weekend lunch rush, who’s holiday has always competed with my party plans, I learned the real deal about Denny’s free birthday meal…It wasn’t…Free that is.

When you go in as the birthday boy, alone on your lunch break, they tell you that you get one free meal only with the purchase of another meal and another mandatory drink. And what they don’t tell you is that they charge you only for the price of the more expensive meal and drink. So of course I got the Moons Over My Hammy and a coffee, along with a snap decision order of the Philly melt and orange juice to go, thinking ahead to my dinner appetite.

I was charged the twelve or so dollars for the Philly Melt and juice along with a conveniently included gratuity charge. And so I paid via debit. And the machines asked how much of a tip to add again. So I put down a dollar out of fear.

Truth be told, my lunch was splendid and the cold, Styrofoam encased Philly Melt was also very tasty. But the taste of Denny’s expanding wallet of greed tasted of hate, and deceit.