Pisces

Everything is about to go batshit crazy, Pisces. Tomorrow morning, a section of your torso will be missing and gravity will have no affect on your body between 3:30 and 5pm. This week you will witness the seas part, and there on the exposed ocean floor will be the original cast members of Saved By The Bell nude and on fire. A ghost will appear in a saucepan and convince you to join a pyramid scheme, and Louis Riel will arm wrestle Captain Crunch in your bathtub. Get a disposable camera.

Taurus

Everything you do is flawless and brings us all toward a social Utopia that will end world hunger and obliterate awkward situations where you have to introduce someone to a person who’s name you can’t remember. All the other signs are shit. Gemini is a sell-out, Sagittarius smells his fingers on the bus, and Cancer keeps burning erasers in the attic with his “friends”. You rule, Taurus. This is not a biased reading, I promise.

Sagittarius

There has got to be a reason why your inner thighs smell like mushroom soup, Sagittarius. It’s time to go to a clinic. And if liquid that you don’t recognize comes out of your body , it’s never a positive thing. Get a job with health benefits or stop only eating food that comes from gas stations.

Aries

Remember when you would flirtatiously chase someone you liked around the schoolyard, and the pain you felt when they didn’t reciprocate the flirtation, and instead, screamed and told on you? It wasn’t because they thought you were ugly. It’s because they were eight years old. And you were twenty six. But you are ugly. And you will die alone.

Gemini

Yelling “Bingo!” is only appropriate in one place and under one circumstance. You are confusing everyone at the bank. Although I can see how you could mistake “B44” with the late 90’s triplet boy band, I do not understand however, why every time you see a picture of Fred Savage you punch the nearest person and take your clothes off before singing “Eye of The Tiger”. You are an enigma.

Virgo

The tables of road rage will turn this week when you accidentally jerk the steering wheel and end up in a TGIFridays full of schizophrenics who will think you are a time traveler who wants to steal their hair. They will be much more hostile than you when you deliberately rear ended a car because it had a bumper sticker that read “My honor roll student entitles me to boast publicly.”

Leo

Don’t listen to that meth dealer. There are better ways to motivate yourself to clean your house. Put on some up-beat music and dance while you mop, or smoke a few crack rocks and cast away your worries of cleanliness and replace them with manic motor skills and crippling paranoia.

Capricorn

Stop wearing ironic T-shirts, tight pants, vintage pump-up high tops, and neck bandanas. You are wearing a uniform for pretentiousness. And quit collecting black velvet paintings and rare vinyl records before going to coffee shops with your fake friends to make loud belittling comments on how they should watch indy films that you like. No one likes you anymore. You are an empty husk of self-congratulation.

Libra

Here are some life tips, Libra: 1) Cheese tastes great with wine, but cheese does not taste great in wine. 2) If you run out of clean plates, simply turn them upside down and pretend it’s a pedestal for your meal. There is nothing wrong with being creative. Go ahead and eat Ravioli out of the can with a hair comb. You can do what you want, because you are an independent woman.

Scorpio

Drinking ” the hair of the dog that bit you” only works for hangovers. Don’t take this literally. It does not cure rabies if you were actually bitten by a dog and then drink it’s fur. However, drinking a double Jack and Coke at eleven in the morning will also not cure the fact that you are an alcoholic.

Aquarius

Hey Aquarius, it’s me, Adam. Why haven’t you replied to any of my messages on friendster? Have you found a new socially unifying website? And why don’t I see you on ICQ anymore? Get back to me and hopefully we can hang out in a chat room or share song files on napster. Also, please send help. I am somehow trapped in 2002.

Cancer

I will tell you exactly why you have crabs. It’s not because that’s your astrological animal. It’s because your astrological symbol is a sideways 69. And that sexual position is what caused this. Any time you get pubic lice from someone’s face, you know they are trouble. I already talked to Sagittarius. We’ve made an appointment at the clinic.