The Cuckoo bird is brood parasite. That means that they, along with the locally indigenous Brown-headed Cowbird, lay their eggs in the nests of other different kinds of birds to be raised by them. This often goes unnoticed by the unsuspecting fowl and when the egg hatches, the hatchling is fed by the foster parent. And not only that, Cuckoos are pretty big, so the baby will dwarf the parent and push the surrounding non-Cuckoo babies out of the nest and hog all of the food.

So Cuckoos and Brown-headed Cowbirds abandon their young, as if in a basket on a door step. How irresponsible. I guess I wouldn’t be surprised if I one day saw a Cuckoo knock over a mailbox or ride a bike without a helmet. What careless, slapdash birds these Cuckoos be.

The European Organization for Nuclear Research’s Large Hadron Collider, the world’s largest particle accelerator, recently completed outside of Geneva, is scheduled to circulate a beam through the entire 27 kilometer circumference for the first time on September 10th, 2008. The purpose of this collider is to accelerate isolated hadrons of atoms and smash them together and produce the Higgs boson which could explain how elementary particles acquire properties such as mass and also how and why gravity works, which scientist are still scratching their heads about. I’m not totally sure what that means or how they can do it, but I do know that aside from the Higgs boson, other expected uses for the giant collider are to make new particles, models, and states such as supersymmetric particles, compositeness, extra dimensions, strangelets, micro black holes and magnetic monopoles.

Now, starting with Supersymetric particles; from what I can gather from Wikipedia and other nerd sites, Supersymetry theory states that for every particle we know about, there is a sister particle. So, like Wario is to Mario, the superpartner to the electron is the selectron, to the quark is the squark, and from the photon is the photino, which sounds like a Latin lounge singer.

As for compositeness and extra dimensions, attempting to describe them for me is like cooking steak with my eyeballs. I am not a physicist, and the online descriptions of them make my brain bleed. But as for strangelets and micro black holes, that’s where things get spooky.

A strangelet is a combination of an up, down, and strange quark. A quark being the smallest particles ever detected and these make up all matter. Now, some people think that if this accelerator can produce a strangelet, it will fuse with the nuclei of ordinary matter and convert it into strange matter, which in tern would start a domino rally effect. This means that the entire Earth could convert into a “strange star”, which would be a hot, glowing lump of strange matter. However scientist call this scenario “far fetched” which is mildly reassuring. I hope it doesn’t do that.

Finally, as for creating a micro black hole, which is a dense object that pulls in all light and matter into a compacted singularity and possibly even out of existence, that is also a possibility. The thought of this makes me picture myself sitting in a coffee shop, looking out the window and suddenly seeing a car or a house being whisked through the sky followed by the city, then myself, as everyone and everything on the planet is pulled along forests or through the earth itself at hypersonic speeds until we all reach Geneva with no time to even buy a souvenir pocket knife.

So, being sucked into a black hole would be a negative thing. However, Perimeter Institute physicist Cliff Burgess states in an interview with CBC’s Paul Jay, ‘it is almost certainly true that if it produces those black holes, they are going to evaporate very quickly.’ Burgess adds, ‘They might be a couple hundred times more heavy than a proton, but way less than fractions of a gram. And at that size limit, we expect them to evaporate extremely quickly through a process called Hawking radiation [which is a theoretical decaying process thought up by Stephen Hawking].’ Also, if these tiny black holes do not decay as predicted, it is also theorized that the rate of absorption would be so slow that it would take one billion years before it became a threat to the Earth. Phew! What a relief.

So, that’s just a heads up. I guess we’ll see what happens when the first high-energy collisions are planned to take place after the LHC is officially unveiled, on 21 October 2008.

The following entry was written on May 15th, 2008 and was originally titled Tom Cochrane Is an Idiot:

Tom Cochrane once stated that life is a highway, and that he was going to ride it all night long. Really Tom? I would hope that one who enjoys life would want to ride it for a full average lifespan of 80-85 years rather than a mere night. You cannot, no matter how hard you try Tom, attend Martingrove Collegiate Institute, move to L.A., become a movie theme song writer, move back to Toronto, become a taxi driver, work as a cruise line entertainer, join a band called Red Rider, go to Africa and raise awareness for World Vision, make an album, sing the national anthem incorrectly at a baseball game, write two more albums, go on a national tour, get in a plane crash and survive, host the Juno awards, release another album, and then become Honorary Colonel of the Air Force’s 409 “Nighthawks” Tactical Fighter Squadron all in one night! Get real Tom! And yes, I realize that saying “life is a highway” is a metaphor. I’m not an imbecile. And stop insisting that I am. What I’m saying is you should have planned your road trip on this allegorical route much better. Get a few friends, split the gas, pack some sandwiches, take your camping gear, and don’t stop until you reach Mexico. Goodness gracious.

Months after writing this, while supervising a group of kids for a summer camp, I got a call from Tom Cochrane’s wife. At first I thought it was one of my friends making a joke but I slowly started to believe this woman. She was friendly, light hearted, but serious and this is what I remember from our conversation:

Tom’s Wife- “Hello is Adam Pateman there?”

Adam- (Flustered by the chaos of surrounding kids) “Yes just one sec. I mean, yes. This is. I am Adam. Speaking.”

TW- “Oh, so maybe you’re the idiot.”

A - “Uh, sorry what?”

TW- “This is Tom’s wife.”

A - “Oh hi!” (Tom who?)

TW- “I was just reading your blog entry, Tom Cochrane Is an Idiot.”

A- “Oh, yeah.”

TW- “That’s pretty harsh. Because Tom is not an idiot. In fact, I don’t think anyone out there should really be called an idiot.”

A- “Who is this?”

TW - “Tom’s wife. His wife of thirty years.”

A- “Oh, I see.”

TW – “And also, some of you’re information about all the things Tom has done are not actually true. He never moved to LA, and he’s done some pretty amazing things in his life, so I think you should do your research and get your facts straight because he’s certainly not an idiot.”

A – “Is this really Tom Cochrane’s wife.”

TW- “Yes. I came across your editorial when I was looking for something else, and I thought, Tom Cochrane’s an idiot? Hmm. And it was written the day after his birthday. So it’s like, hmm, happy birthday! And so much of it is incorrect.”

A- “Well, to be honest I just wrote down everything I could find about him on Wikipedia. So maybe Wikipedia is the idiot.”

TW- “You should look at Tom’s website. It would me much more accurate.”

A- “Most likely.”

TW- “And don’t get me wrong. I like the way it was written, but it did not pay him due respect. I think Tom would like and respect you if you had given him the chance.”

A- “Well for the record, the thing on my blog was a joke of course. It was just meant to be a play on words. I have no ill feelings towards him. In fact I do have a lot of respect for Tom Cochrane. I just thought it would be funny. Now I think I’ll change the entry or get rid of it. He’s not actually an idiot, and I hope you don’t think I am.”

TW- “I don’t think you’re an idiot.”

A - “Me neither.”

TW- “Well it sounds like you’re doing family things there, so I appreciate that. Thanks for talking with me and have a great day.”

A- “Yes. You too.”

Sequence of events from May 22nd to May 27th:

May 22nd - Film a beer commercial in Vancouver in the morning, ride my scooter home, meet up with my roomate Jeff, catch a skytrain to Surrey, meet up with my friend Lewis, let him drive us to Kelowna, check in at a hotel, go to Yuk Yuks there in Kelowna, perform a 30 minute stand-up set for a cancer benefit for a room full of racist remax employees, go to bed.

May 23rd - Wake up at 6am, shuttle to Kelowna airport, fly to Vancouver, film more beer commercial, catch a cab to Vancouver airport, finish my book, fly to Kelowna, shuttle to Yuk Yuks, perform a 30 minute stand-up set to a room full of racist hicks, go with Jeff and Lewis to a couple shitty Kelowna night clubs, visit them at thei hostel, throw a matress on top of Lewis while drunk and walk on him and sprain my ankle, put ice on my ankle, fall asleep in a hostel I didn`t pay for.

May 24th - Wake up, hobble to the hostel lobby, sneak out unnoticed, catch a shuttle to the hospital, get an x-ray, fall in love with 3 nurses, get casted up, buy crutches, catch a cab to hotel, watch home and garden channel, sleep from 11am to 5pm, go to Yuk Yuks Kelowna, perform a stand-up show to a room full of racist hicks while sitting on a stool with crutches against the stool, go to Lewisaunts house, watch a Documentary on Donkey Kong, go to sleep.

May 25th - Drive to Vancouver, pack for Japan, sleep.

May 26th - Wake up, pick up contact lenses, cab to airport, fly to Osaka Japan, sleep on flight.

May 27th - Meet my friend Max at the Airport, train to Kyoto, sleep in a hotel.

…The next day I left for an across-Japan bicycle trip… With a sprained ankle and severe jet-lag…to be continued.

So I heard through the franchise grapevine that Denny’s restaurants serve free meals on your birthday. Just as other such hangouts one would want to spend during their lunch break, on their birthday, like Kelly O’ Brian’s, and The Old Spaghetti Factory (I think). Since I celebrated my birth on the eve the true date, I was hung-over. And at work. And in dire need of grease and starch to remedy my sweating, aching, sleep deprived body.

Denny’s was only ten blocks away and I had a scooter. So I said, “Let’s do this shit.” I called ahead to see if only children apply to this special offer. Turns out, adults are also game.

Upon arriving during the Victoria Day weekend lunch rush, who’s holiday has always competed with my party plans, I learned the real deal about Denny’s free birthday meal…It wasn’t…Free that is.

When you go in as the birthday boy, alone on your lunch break, they tell you that you get one free meal only with the purchase of another meal and another mandatory drink. And what they don’t tell you is that they charge you only for the price of the more expensive meal and drink. So of course I got the Moons Over My Hammy and a coffee, along with a snap decision order of the Philly melt and orange juice to go, thinking ahead to my dinner appetite.

I was charged the twelve or so dollars for the Philly Melt and juice along with a conveniently included gratuity charge. And so I paid via debit. And the machines asked how much of a tip to add again. So I put down a dollar out of fear.

Truth be told, my lunch was splendid and the cold, Styrofoam encased Philly Melt was also very tasty. But the taste of Denny’s expanding wallet of greed tasted of hate, and deceit.

Tom Cochrane once stated that life is a highway, and that he was going to ride it all night long. Really Tom? I would hope that one who enjoys life would want to ride it for a full average lifespan of 80-85 years rather than a mere night. You cannot, no matter how hard you try Tom, attend Martingrove Collegiate Institute, move to L.A., become a movie theme song writer, move back to Toronto, become a taxi driver, work as a cruise line entertainer, join a band called Red Rider, go to Africa and raise awareness for World Vision, make an album, sing the national anthem incorrectly at a baseball game, write two more albums, go on a national tour, get in a plane crash and survive, host the Juno awards, release another album, and then become Honorary Colonel of the Air Force’s 409 “Nighthawks” Tactical Fighter Squadron all in one night! Get real Tom! And yes, I realize that saying “life is a highway” is a metaphor. I’m not an imbecile. And stop insisting that I am. What I’m saying is you should have planned your road trip on this allegorical route much better. Get a few friends, split the gas, pack some sandwiches, take your camping gear, and don’t stop until you reach Mexico. Goodness gracious.

This is officially the first entry I will have ever made on this website. So I’d better make it good. Here it goes… Last night I did a show at Lyric Acting School. The crowd was amazing. Unlike a sports bar, the audience was receptive and polite… They knew to shut up and listen to the comic on stage. So I did some weird material that they paid attention to. Usually a crowd will talk and shout incoherent B.S., but this tour de force of actors hung onto every stupid word I had to say. I loved it. I recommend the Lyric Acting Studio to every comic and actor who enjoys new ideas in town to experience this wicked-awesome show. And also, all the girls there were super ultra hot. It’s a great place to boost your Ego as a comic, and then get depressed about going home alone.